‘You want a perfect monologue? Yo, shut up’

Host Jo Koy began the 2024 Golden Globe Awards on a modest note before shifting into high gear … and then hit a wall.

“I’m just taking this all in. I’m so excited to be here. This is a dream come true, not just for me but for everyone here,” Koy said in opening the CBS-televised show on Sunday night.

“Kevin Costner’s here. Kevin Costner’s never here. He’s like on a mountain with a cow or something.”

Koy also joked about the movie epic “Oppenheimer” — “I could’ve used another hour” — and about its star, Cillian Murphy.

“‘Oppenheimer’ answered a lifelong question that’s been on my mind for years — yes, scientists do get laid, as long as they look like Cillian Murphy.”

The comic also took aim at the British royal family.

“‘Succession’ has nine nominations. Just a great series about a rich, white, dysfunctional family, all scheming — oh, wait, that’s ‘The Crown.’ I’m sorry.”

Koy was a late addition to the ceremony that struggled for weeks to secure a host.

CNN reported that Chris Rock, Ali Wong and the trio of Will Arnett, Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman all turned down the gig.

Koy was finally announced on Dec. 21, with only 18 days to go until the CBS broadcast.

He referred to his rushed hiring when he turned his attention to Robert De Niro and made a crack about the actor becoming a dad again recently.

“Your last performance is gonna be your greatest performance ever,” Koy said. “How’d you get her pregnant at 80?” 

And then his monologue hit a brick wall.

“Yo, I got the gig 10 days ago,” the comic said. “You want a perfect monologue? Yo, shut up. I wrote some of these, and those are the ones you’re gonna laugh at.”

He also referred several times to his monologue “sucking” because of his lack of preparation.

“Like I said, I didn’t write all of these,” he said at one point. “Someone else wrote that one.”

Despite the quick turnaround, the comic told the AP that working with Dick Clark Productions — the new owner of the Golden Globes after the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was disbanded last year in the wake of a diversity scandal — has been fruitful.

“This production company has been nothing but top notch,” he said. “The relationship with CBS is beautiful. It’s fun to see this because this is how things should be ran. We need to start moving forward. That’s what this is. We’re moving forward now. You learn from the past and you make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

The 52-year-old stand-up comedian became well-known for making over 100 appearances on the panel of E!’s talk show “Chelsea Lately,” hosted by Chelsea Handler (whom he has also dated).

In 2022, he starred in the family comedy movie “Easter Sunday,” and he’s made six stand-up specials for Netflix.

The 81-year-old Golden Globe Awards went without a host between 1996 and 2010. Since then, lightning-rod comedian Ricky Gervais and the duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have emceed a combined nine times. The 2023 show on NBC was hosted by Jerrod Carmichael.